20 Years of Marriage Taught Me This About Every Relationship
Last week, Kristen and I celebrated 20 years of marriage. That milestone made me stop and reflect, not on our highlight reel or the big moments, but on the daily choices that built trust, repaired mistakes, and kept us steady through seasons that were genuinely difficult. And the more I lead teams and businesses, the more I realize this: marriage has taught me how to lead better in every relationship in my life.
Here are nine lessons I am still learning from and applying today:
1. Love is not just a feeling. It is a standard.
The Bible gives a definition of love that is clear and convicting: love is patient, love is kind; it does not boast, it does not envy, and it is not proud. That definition is not emotional; it is behavioral. In other words, love is not something you wait to feel. Love is something you choose to practice. The same is true in leadership. People do not trust what you say; they trust what you do consistently. If you want stronger relationships, stop waiting for the feeling and start practicing love as a discipline.
2. There is very little value in being right.
One of the most important things I have learned in marriage is that being right rarely builds anything worth keeping. Most problems go away when you stop trying to win. Being right can destroy closeness, but being humble can rebuild it. In marriage, being right often costs you peace. In leadership, being right often costs you trust and loyalty. Strong leaders do not protect their ego. They protect the relationship.
3. Relationships are about being trustworthy and likable.
You can be highly competent and still be hard to be around, and you can be likable but not dependable. Healthy relationships require both. Being trustworthy means you do what you say you will do, you keep your word even when it costs you, and people can rely on you without wondering if you will follow through. Being likable means people experience you as respectful, steady, and safe. The people in your life should feel valued in your presence, not drained by it.
4. Learn the five love languages and acknowledge their attempts.
If you have never studied The 5 Love Languages, I can assure you it is worth your time. It helps you recognize how people try to connect with you, even when they do not do it in the way you prefer. This is a huge leadership lesson, too. Many relationships get strained because we focus on what someone did not do rather than acknowledging the effort they did make. When you honor attempts, you build confidence. When you constantly critique, you create discouragement. People flourish when they feel seen.
5. You must be spiritually aligned.
It helps when you can go to God for big help and not another person. One of the most freeing realities in marriage is remembering that your spouse cannot be your Savior. Your team cannot carry the weight of your soul. If you expect people to meet needs that only God was meant to meet, you will eventually crush them with your expectations. Spiritual alignment brings peace. It makes you less reactive, less demanding, and steadier. It reminds you that your foundation is not another person. Your foundation is Christ.
6. Make sure you are setting yourself up to be steady for them.
The people you love should not have to wonder what version of you they are going to get today. Steadiness is not personality; it is preparation. It is how you manage your emotions, your health, your stress, and your energy. It is how you take responsibility for your own internal world. If you want to be a safe place for others, you must be stable. Healthy relationships are built by people who are regulated, consistent, and dependable.
7. Over-communicate expectations, vision, and motivations.
Most conflicts are not about bad intentions, but rather about assumptions. When you do not communicate clearly, people start attempting to mind-read and fil in the gaps with their own fears or past experiences. In marriage, clarity prevents unnecessary tension. In leadership, clarity prevents confusion and misalignment. If you want strong relationships, do not assume people know what you expect or why you are doing what you are doing. Say it out loud. Great relationships are not built on guessing. They are built on clarity.
8. Never let anger turn into resentment.
Anger is a signal, but resentment is a poison. Anger can be processed quickly, but resentment grows slowly and quietly until it hardens your heart. If something is bothering you, bring it into the light early. Pray about it. Talk about it. Repair quickly. Resentment thrives in silence, and silence is rarely the path to peace. One of the best habits in any relationship is addressing tension before it turns into bitterness.
9. Be a safe place for them, pray for them, and always see the best in who they are.
Everyone needs at least one relationship where they can exhale. A place where they are not judged, not managed, and not criticized, but loved. Being that kind of safe place for another person requires prayer, because prayer softens your heart and aligns your perspective. It also requires choosing to see the best in others, not just their flaws. One of the greatest gifts you can give someone is believing in who they are becoming and helping them to see it, too. That is how people grow. That is how trust deepens. That is how love builds a legacy.
A simple challenge for your first week of the new year:
Pick one relationship that matters to you and ask yourself two questions:
What is one way I can love them better this week?
What is one way I can be steadier for them?
Strong relationships build strong leaders, and strong leaders build strong cultures.
If this encouraged you, please forward it to someone who needs it.
Stay steady.
Schuyler
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God Bless!
~ Schuyler Williamson